


Codex Entry: A Letter Written By Warden-Commander Cousland

by TheGreyestWarden



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Animal Death, Canonical Character Death, Death, Epistolary, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 15:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17727743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreyestWarden/pseuds/TheGreyestWarden
Summary: This two year old bit was the result of thinking about various writing promptsfrom this list on Tumblr.It's the first thing I'd ever written about Evrion Cousland, and the first piece of fic I'd ever posted online. Thanks to Tumblr being an increasingly unreliable platform for fanfic, I'm finally posting some things here.





	Codex Entry: A Letter Written By Warden-Commander Cousland

I didn’t always want to kill things.

When I was a boy and my father took me hunting for the first time, I sobbed because the deer I shot didn’t have a clean death. I hit it with an arrow and it ran, and we had to chase it, and I had to shoot it a few more times. Even when it finally fell into the brambles, it wasn’t dead yet. It writhed and made these horrible sounds; I didn’t think deer could scream til then. That’s when I started to cry. My father was bewildered. “What did you think was going to happen when you shot it?” he asked me. “I thought it would die. I didn’t know it would _hurt,_ ” I said. I didn’t think I’d have to watch it die, I didn’t think it would feel anything. I never considered death as anything but a swift and painless blink into nothingness before.

Father put it out of its misery and then held me. “That’s how it is, sometimes.” he said. “Death isn’t always quick, and sometimes it hurts.” I couldn’t eat venison for weeks.

I practiced to make sure I could kill things in one blow, or at least as few as possible, for the prey’s sake. I never killed anything but deer and smaller animals before the siege, never wanted to. I don’t remember what he looked like, the first man I killed. It happened so quickly. I wasn’t thinking about it. All I knew was that I was in danger, and I was going to stay in danger until he was dead. The realization that I’d killed a person didn’t even come to me until I was already trekking to Ostagar. And I’d killed more than one. I didn’t want to kill the first one, or even the couple after him. Then I saw Oren, and I started wanting to. Then I saw Father, and killing things was all I could think about for a while. Not just kill, though. Hurt.

It became regular, killing things. It had to, you know that. We had no choice with the darkspawn, and we had no choice with the others. I didn’t start feeling afraid of this, wanting to kill and hurt, until I realized killing darkspawn wasn’t satisfying; that I was looking for satisfaction in killing at all. They scream, and I can only assume that they do because they feel pain, but they don’t know they deserve it.

Feeling afraid didn’t make it go away, though, and that made it more frightening. Remember when I attacked Zathrian? I like to think that if I hadn’t been sick I would have tried harder for diplomacy. But to be honest with you, I don’t know if that’s true. I was so angry by then, about everything. I was so tired and I wanted everyone to hurt as badly as I was hurting, I didn’t care if they deserved it or not. The sickness didn’t bring that on. I was already feeling that way by the time we ventured into that blasted forest. I might have attacked Zathrian no matter what… and I hate it.

What I hate even more is that killing Rendon Howe didn’t make it go away. I still wanted to hurt things. The bastard I wanted dead the most, finally was, and it wasn’t good enough. Even killing the bloody Archdemon wasn’t satisfying. They call me a hero, but a hero doesn’t save the fucking world and still want someone to suffer.

I’ll tell you what I have yet to tell anyone, not even Fergus. I’m ashamed of this, more than anything else. Everyone thinks it a pleasant surprise that Nathanial Howe is my second-in-command. You all admire that we work together, that I didn’t punish him for his father’s doings instead. But I tried to. I didn’t put him through the Joining to give him a second chance, or because I thought he’d make a good Grey Warden. I wanted him to die. I made him take that chalice because I wanted to watch him choke. I wanted him to see, even for just a few seconds, the horrors I had to face because of his father. I wanted him to die afraid and in pain.

Nathaniel fell to the floor, writhing like that deer, and I reveled in it. Maker, I was shaking. I’m shaking right now, writing it. _I wanted him to die so badly._

And he didn’t. He stilled, and we thought he was gone, but he woke up. He opened his eyes and was a Grey Warden. I can’t tell you how livid I was. I hated Nathaniel. I hated him for his name, and I hated him for not dying.

I used the Joining as a weapon. I can scarcely believe it, still. The thing I hate the most about being a Grey Warden, and I used it to punish someone. Even worse, I used it to punish someone who didn’t deserve it. The only thing I can credit myself with is it didn’t take me long to see that. I locked myself in my quarters after Nathaniel’s Joining and sobbed. I sobbed like I did when I was a boy. I didn’t always like killing things, what happened? What happened to the little boy who cried with his bow in his hands because he didn’t kill the deer quick enough? The little boy who didn’t want anyone or anything to feel pain and suffering, certainly not at his own hands? I want to be him again. I’m trying. I think I’m getting there.

I didn’t always want to kill things.

**Author's Note:**

> This two year old bit was the result of thinking about various writing prompts [from this list on Tumblr.](http://thegreyestwarden.tumblr.com/post/175782914324/oc-codex-prompts) It's the first thing I'd ever written about Evrion Cousland, and the first piece of fic I'd ever posted online. Thanks to Tumblr being an increasingly unreliable platform for fanfic, I'm finally posting some things here.


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